I don’t know about you, but I’ll admit to doing many things out of a sense of obligation. That sets the tone for all manner of feelings from stress to resentment to “what will this do for me?” Wouldn’t it be better to act out of gratitude, not obligation? I know, another blog about gratitude; perhaps you’re thinking, “It’s easy to talk about gratitude, but how can you be grateful when there’s so much to worry about?”  

Act Out of Gratitude not Obligation 

Yes, developing an attitude of gratitude is hard. I recently posted a blog, “Go for Good Enough,” about not falling into the trap of seeking perfection. The same philosophy applies here. I seek to do things because I want to, not because I have to. But it’s hard! So, I apply the “80-85% rule” explained in “Go for Good Enough.” Doing so helps one manage expectations. It doesn’t mean setting a lower bar, it means setting a realistic goal so you’re not over-stretched and stressed.  

Upon retiring from the US Coast Guard, I wanted to write a book to share lessons learned during my 40 years in uniform. The Coast Guard helped me grow and develop to reach my full potential. The book would be my way of giving back to help others do the same. For a first-time author, the process of writing and publishing a book is not easy. But the gratitude I carried in my heart inspired me and I approached the challenge, using my Coast Guard training, like a mission.   

In researching how to market and promote a book, I became overwhelmed at times and realized the process could consume me. Encouraged by those who believed in me, I started to feel a sense of obligation to do more and spend more, not wanting to let people down. But there was no way to know if the extra effort and investment would add value. I reached a point where the gratitude that had inspired me was losing out in the tug of war to an urge to go for 100 percent, whatever it might take. Realizing I’d engaged in “mission creep,” I stepped back to take a deep breath and reconsider.  

The Wolf you Feed Wins 

There’s an instructive legend about two wolves. In it, a grandparent tells his grandson each person has two wolves fighting inside them—a good wolf and a bad wolf. The grandson asks, “Which wolf wins?” The grandfather tells him, “The one you feed.”   

There are two metaphorical wolves that fight inside us when it comes to giving back: gratitude and obligation. The one that wins will be the one you feed. In reconsidering my book-writing and publishing mission, I turned my focus back to that sense of gratitude and giving back. That made all the difference! The satisfaction trumped the frustration as I put aside the concerns surrounding marketing and promoting to refocus on the mission. In the end, I had the good fortune to publish with KoehlerBooks, who offered a wealth of experience and advice. I compromised on the marketing and promoting by investing what I considered to be enough to do justice to the book without letting the effort consume me, which it surely can.  

Here are some tips for how to give and give back out of a sense of gratitude: 

• When looking forward to determine where to apply your time, talent, and treasure, look back to reflect on what you’re grateful for and you’ll find a match. 

• Set realistic goals and be wary of the self-imposed drive for perfection. 

• Be true to yourself; others may push you to show their support, or because they think you should do what they would do. But you owe it to yourself to do what you want to do, not what otherswant you to do. 

• Be sure to feed your sense of gratitude so when you give it’s a choice, not an obligation.

In the end, I believe learning how to give with a feeling of gratitude is all about the self-awareness component of emotional intelligence. It may not come naturally and that’s okay. It just takes practice.  

Look in the mirror: What can you do to inspire others on your team to participate with a sense of gratitude?  

Please join me again next time for more on Leading with Character.  

If you enjoyed this post, please visit my website where you can buy my book, Breaking Ice & Breaking Glass: Leading in Uncharted Waters, and sign up for my mailing list: https://sandrastosz.com/book/breaking-ice-and-breaking-glass/