This week my husband, Bob, and I toured the Delaware Water Gap (a national treasure!) and visited family down in New Jersey. We spent hours around the dinner table talking, laughing and “solving the world’s problems.” One particularly introspective topic centered on the question, “Who was most responsible for your success in life, your parents or yourself?” In other words, was it nature—your genes and DNA, or the way your parents raised you—values instilled, guidance provided, inspiration given. A lively discussion ensued!
Innate versus Learned
I was in the kitchen doing dishes as the conversation started and had a chance to quietly reflect and contemplate my childhood. I was the first-born and had three brothers. Despite being raised the same, we were all quite different. I was painfully shy and quiet and never the first to be picked for one of those school sporting activities like the dreaded dodge ball (remember dodge ball—the game where the goal was to hit someone on the other side with the ball?). But one of my brothers was just the opposite—he was boisterous and outgoing, had tons of friends, and was the kid who would have been voted captain of one of those school sporting activities. Surely a person’s innate qualities factor into their outcomes in life.
On the other hand, how we were raised mattered. We had parents who were firm but fair. They set high expectations and held us accountable. No excuses. Then there were teachers, coaches, and others who shaped us. And peers who influenced us, for better or worse, sometimes! We had good schools and a safe neighborhood. But that doesn’t mean life was easy. I wasn’t a naturally gifted student or athlete and had to work hard and persevere to get ahead. Hard work and perseverance became two of my personal core values. And later in life, they helped level the uneven playing field.
A Leadership Development Journey
I took those core values, along with honesty and humility, to the Coast Guard Academy when I entered as a cadet in 1978. Talk about hard. Starting with swab summer, the Academy’s version of boot camp, it was four years of high intensity stress. I had some good leaders and some bad ones. I learned from both. Same with my ensuing 36 years with the US Coast Guard. Looking back, I learned more from the bad and not-so-good leaders than from the good ones. That’s because I learned viscerally from them what not to do as a leader. I easily absorbed the positive leadership traits from the good leaders (the vast majority) but put a lot of effort into trying my best to avoid becoming like the bad ones.
Leaders are Both Born and Made
Back to the kitchen. Having ruminated on that intriguing question, “Is your success due to nature or nurture,” I decided it’s about 50% how your born and 50% how you’re raised. That’s good news for anyone who desires to become a better leader. Leaders are not just made, they’re developed, one step at a time. But a person must want to become a better leader and put in the effort required. Leaders become better by doing hard things; getting out of their comfort zone; making tough decisions; setting, enforcing, and adhering to standards; and much more. Perhaps most important, leaders become better by mentoring/teaching/coaching: reaching out a hand to meet someone else where they are and help them rise to where they need to be to achieve their full potential. That’s when the magic happens.
Look in the mirror: What do you think—are leaders born or made? Who were the most influential people and what were the most significant experiences that shaped you early in life?
Please join me again next time for more on Leading with Character.
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