Have you been in a conversation lately during which the other party continually insisted they were right and you were wrong? I have and bet you have, too. Some people need to “win” every debate or discussion. It’s easy to see why. It has become more accepted to believe that “winning” is superior to politely agreeing to disagree. Shouting another person down shows strength and compromise shows weakness, right? That’s not true, but unfortunately, it’s what some people have come to believe. 

Spend Less Time Judging Others and More Time Examining Yourself 

Recently, I was on an outing with a friend. We started out engaged in lively conversation, but it soon became overbearing. My friend was so convinced she was right about every topic, that I found myself mostly listening. When I ventured to raise a point, she countered with, “you’re wrong!” She wasn’t mean or nasty, but presumed that if she believed something, her point of view had to be right and thus, the other person’s must be wrong.  

The incident caused me to reflect on my own perspective…do I examine myself—my motives and disposition—before judging others? Or do I jump to the conclusion that I’m always right? I’m not a particularly competitive person, but still find myself feeling the urge, on occasion, to judge others as “wrong.” Winning is venerated in our society, from children’s sports to politics. It’s easy to see how people could come to believe winning at everything is a necessary outcome. 

Unintended Consequences 

There’s a cost to winning. People who must always win may feel smug, but they also might alienate themselves and run the risk of losing the trust of their coworkers. They could eventually find themselves isolated and alone, left wondering why. That’s because people don’t want to confront others who are overbearing, for obvious reasons. Like I did with my friend, they instead withdraw and withhold. And that doesn’t just harm friendships. In the workplace it can cause a team to become less effective and fail to achieve its goals. No one wants that.  

Strength through Humbleness 

So, how can people come together, as friends or coworkers, and communicate effectively to create positive outcomes for all? Through character-centered leadership and the self-awareness component of emotional intelligence. I believe true strength of character is demonstrated by those who show humility, not hubris, and who endeavor to build trust during their personal interactions. Here are some helpful hints: 

• Listen respectfully, endeavor to understand, and withhold judgment;  

• Strive to have a productive conversation or a debate, not an argument;  

• Admit to not knowing every angle of an issue and be eager to learn; 

• Ask questions versus giving answers; 

• Instead of trying to “win,” acknowledge differences of opinion and move on. 

Look in the mirror: As a leader and a team member, what can you do to help people have constructive discussions that benefit everyone and don’t focus on “winning?” 

Please join me again next time for more on Leading with Character. 

If you enjoyed this post, please visit my website where you can buy my book, Breaking Ice & Breaking Glass: Leading in Uncharted Waters, and sign up for my mailing list: https://sandrastosz.com/book/breaking-ice-and-breaking-glass/